1. They’ve already swiped you left in real life.
One day, virtual reality will make this actually possible.
2. You wonder if the tractor in the background of their profile picture is for sale.
You can plough my field anyday.
3. This prick mocked your hair when you were 7.
You can’t really talk there, mate
4. You wonder if they’ll let your cows graze on their land.
Because they’ve already shat all over yours.
5. You think about deleting the app and cuddling a sheep to cure your loneliness.
Dolly feels your pain.
6. You realise you can’t go out with them because your grandfathers had a feud over a goose in 1979.
Or possibly 1975. Or 1981. Your grandad will debate this for at least two hours before telling the story.
7. The first date is going to be awkward because your goat stole their washing last week.
Suits him, though
8. You’re glad you live in a rural area because the lack of phone coverage means your needy messages won’t get through.
HOW HAVE YOU GOT FOUR BARS?
9. Your go-to chat up line is “I’ve got enough rope to pull you out of any bog.”
(Please don’t ever take me up on this).
10. If their opening message isn’t a quote from their favourite prayer, you don’t know how to proceed.
She’s got a burning bush, if you know what I mean
11. You ask how deep their slurry pit is, and it isn’t a euphemism.
12. You realise it’s not the size of the farm that matters, but the size of their heart.
Swipe on, brave villager. One day, you might get a match.