Sometimes companies release products for men that are so devastatingly patronising in their message and advertising that you truly have to marvel at the fragility of traditional masculinity. We’ve found 13 of the best. Ladies and gentlemen, join us as we shake our heads in wonder.
13) Yankee Men’s Candles
“Mandles?” Yankee have some weird scent names, but when you’re a manly man you can’t have your home smelling like you just baked cupcakes. It won’t do. Thank god Yankee released these patronising candles that will let your man cave smell of things that won’t compromise your masculinity. Strong smells like mown grass, bacon, a fresh pint and… camouflage? YEAH CAMOUFLAGE!
12) Lynx Man Washer Shower Tool
Let’s face facts here: this is a loofah. We all need to be clean and you know washing with something soft and fluffy will not wash away all the things you think make you a man, but try telling Lynx that. This product looks too rigid and uncomfortable to create an enjoyable washing experience. But masculinity means suffering. And it kind of looks like a ninja throwing star.
Yorkies are just the classic “why” product. Chocolate is delicious for everyone. Honestly. Why is this a man thing?
“Rick, I have to tell you something.”
“I tried Sangria last night and I loved it. It’s delicious and fruity and alcoholic. It’s perfect. But I can never drink it again. It’s just too girly and the other guys all revoked my man card.”
“It’s okay Steve, I have an idea. We’ll just make the exact same thing but call it Mangria. We’ll pretend it was a result of our masculine ingenuity and no one will ever think to question you again. We’ll have your man card back in no time.”
9) Yogi Men’s Tea
The product description reads: “The masculine side in all of us suffers of stress, exhaustion and excessive eating which can negatively impact our body regarding power and strength.” So don’t worry guys, it’s okay to drink delicious tea when it’s to restore your masculinity. Any other time and any other tea is a no, though.
A flat chapstick so no one can see it in your pocket, with side grips so you can bend your lips’ moisture to your will even when “on the ski slopes” or “on a run.” It’s a lip balm that meets guys’ needs when apparently so few on the market do. We’re pretty sure lips are lips though, and last we checked a tub of Vaseline doesn’t lock up if you try to access it without a vagina.
7) Book of Broetry
“Why don’t more guys read poetry? Because it doesn’t speak to them. As contemporary poets tackle subjects like incest, menstruation, and pine cones, regular guys are left scratching their heads. Who can speak for Everyman? Who will give voice to his passions, his fears, his dreams? Who can articulate his love for Xbox 360, for Mama Celeste’s Frozen Pizzas, for virtually any movie starring Bruce Willis? Enter “Broetry”
If you’re not disappointed by this as a person, not even just a man, I don’t know how to help you.
6) Kleenex Man Size Tissues
Sometimes you’re so manly even your bogies try to fight their way out of flimsy lady tissues. They can’t be contained. Kleenex have your back, though.
5) Men’s Bread
It’s been a staple of the human diet for thousands of years, but little did we know regular bread has been slowly killing men, denying them of the key nutrients they need to man efficiently. Enter Men’s Bread.
I remember one time, I read about a guy who ate a tub of Danone yoghurt and he got pregnant. Do you want that to happen to you? Then so help you, you better go buy this Powerful Yoghurt.
3) Man Hanger
Because we’re sure if there’s one thing men want to perpetuate it’s the cultural curiosity that is the concept of man flu. The company behind the product speak for all men, they’re sure, when they say “Women just don’t understand how bad we feel, if they loved us they would do anything and everything to help us feel better.”