If Facebook wasn’t already acting as a cesspit for your fragile, fleeting friendships, then its latest update will most definitely put a strain on even the strongest of ties. Say goodbye to those nights of getting into bed at 7pm and eating peanut butter on toast whilst re-watching the last season of Gossip Girl – okay, maybe not the last season, let’s be real about that letdown. Nope, we’re not talking about the new dislike button; Facebook has also decided to let users know when someone has seen their event invite. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?
As if actual social interaction wasn’t annoying enough, Facebook have brought a whole new batch of anxieties to the table. Fear not though – we’ve come up with a bunch of ready-made excuses that will get you out of going to that shit club night, awkward housewarming party and pointless colleague birthday drinks whilst managing to keep your friends sweet. Well, hopefully.
1. The shit-stirrer excuse
Nobody loves a shit-stirrer, apart from the time before you’re known as an actual shit-stirrer and more of an informant-cum-gossiper. Changing the subject swiftly to something that concerns them is a sure-fire way to switch up the invite confrontation. One example:
a) OMG DID YOU SEE YOUR EX DISLIKED YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP STATUS AND THEN UNTICKED IT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN I THINK YOU NEED SOME TIME TO THINK CALL THE WHOLE PARTY THING OFF
2. The dogspotting excuse
If your friend is a person worth knowing, chances are they’ll know all about dogspotting; if they know all about dogspotting, they’ll know all about THE ENDLESS RULES LIST. Once they confront you about said event invitation, throw them off-course by exclaiming “Did you see they’ve amended the rules for dogspotting?!” Obviously this concerns 97% of their Facebook use, so they’ll be gone in a flash and you can slide out the back door.
3. The how dare they invite you to such an event excuse
Have a look at the other attendees and work out a way that connects them all. The easy way to go is to say they’re all couples and of course you weren’t going to be the only single one going and if you pressed ‘attending’ then everyone would know you were the single one and that would be embarrassing and oh my god how rude to invite you… If you’re in a couple, well then, welcome to the rest of your life of going to crap dinner parties and awkward double dates.
4. The selfie excuse
Event invitation in your notifications? QUICK TAKE A SELFIE. It’s bound to get so much attention (because, hello, you look ???) that your friend will completely understand that you just had to attend to your fans and weren’t able to respond to their invitation immediately.
5. The nan/grandad/dad/mum/auntie/uncle excuse
So you’re setting your [insert older, less tech-inclined family member here] up with a Facebook account and they accidentally stayed on yours, forgetting to tell you about ~any~ notifications. If they send you the link again, say said family member has proceeded to break your phone. This is a classic excuse that’ll work every time. And also gives you an excuse to buy a new phone.
6. The ‘I’M LEAVING FACEBOOK YOU SHEEPLE’ excuse
When said friend starts to confront you, head into a rant of how you’re leaving Facebook immediately because tech is so terrible and you actually want to ~talk~ to people. Works best if said rant is accompanied by a piece of Banksy artwork. You don’t have to actually leave Facebook, though, as everyone who says they’re off always comes crawling back. You can return a few days after your dramatic departure.
7. The turn-it-around-on-them excuse
If the sheeple excuse doesn’t work, you can always go with the old ‘HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOU ACTUALLY USED TO TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE? REMEMBER WHEN WE DIDN’T NEED FACEBOOK TO ORGANISE STUFF?’ The more you go on about it, the more your friend might actually believe you and stop inviting you to stuff on Facebook altogether. Watch out for having to talk to them IRL, though. That sucks.
8. The gin/cat excuse
Any friend will understand the classic cat fiasco – “my cat crawled on my laptop” is always a good one. You can also always go with a gin spillage on your laptop, which means your laptop can make a miraculous recovery next time they happen to pop over for a cup of tea. “Oh, the spillage? Yeah I just put it in some rice.” Foolproof.
9. The too many events excuse
You’re so damn popular that your notifications are FULL of event invitations and the pressure has finally got to you so you’re just staying in for the rest of the year. This is very believable because obviously everyone wants to hang out with you. Another spin on this: “I have so many invitations, I must’ve slipped past yours. I was ~sure~ I replied” etc.
10. The be honest non-excuse
If your friend is an actual friend, you can probably just be real with them and tell them you’d rather set your own eyes aflame than go to Oceana for their second, ‘home’ hen-do (seriously second hen dos are a thing that happens now). Hopefully they’ll get it and not turn it into a massive deal. Moreover, you can just click ‘can’t go’ and when they ask why, reply with a simple ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Works every time.
Main image via Giphy