After delving into the world of masculine products that truly made us marvel at the fragility of traditional masculinity, this week we’ve decided to turn our attention to the products that are needlessly feminised. And by feminised we mean being made incredibly one dimensional and patronisingly traditional in a way that’ll make you realise why at some point in your life you felt an indescribable need to reject the colour pink. Let’s all heave a collective sigh.
It’s a truth universally acknowledged that a woman cannot drink beer or she will turn immediately into a belching hairy man, repulsing all romantic prospects. Thank God we have Chick Beer to solve the problem of what to drink when we’ve gone through all the pink wine.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like all of my energy is spent counting calories. Thank heavens Go Girl is solving two problems at once for me with their low calorie energy drink! You could almost get behind this product for backing breast and ovarian cancer charities. Until you read the product description:
“Do you enjoy a cup of orange juice with breakfast? Try drinking a Sweetie Grapefruit Go Girl instead and avoid the extra calories. One glass of OJ is on average 150 calories, you could drink 4 Sweetie Grapefruits for the caloric price of an OJ and you get the added bonus of energy and a mild appetite suppressant.”
Here’s what I read: “Hey ladies, why don’t you curb your calories and suppress your appetite? Feeling tired at your lack of genuine nutrition? Just chug back a can of Go Girl! We’ll help you enter a horrific cycle of fearing calories and avoiding any foods that will provide your body with beneficial nutrients because it’s better to be skinny and unhealthy than carry even an ounce of fat! AND WE’RE PINK!”
“It’s so weird, every time I would pick up a Black and Decker drill, I found myself trying to drill through my own limbs. We thought I’d never be able to do any DIY! Well, that was until this special pink tool kit came out. Now that I have tools in a colour I can understand, I know what way to hold the hammer! My life has changed and I can finally build that shoe stand to hold ALL my new heels.”
Every time I tried to put normal ear plugs in, my high maintenance lady ears would just spit them out. You’d think an ear canal was an ear canal, but no apparently they’re very sensitively gendered. And before anyone says “well, yeah, but women have smaller ears so really they need these. It’s physiological.” Just. Make. Them. Sized. Not gendered.
Honest to god product description:
“This is Monopoly like you have never seen it – dressed up in pink and all about things girls love! Buy boutiques and malls, go on a shopping spree, pay your cell phone bill, and get text and instant messages. You and your friends will adore the funky tokens, cool buildings, and cute illustrations. Best of all, the game is stored in a beautiful keepsake box which doubles as a jewelry box”
We were always afraid that ungendered Monopoly would encourage women to get jumped up ideas about their ability to enter the business world and understand finance. It’s just as well this edition has come around to remind them that their place is in salons, boutiques, and malls, picking up less money than male players every time they pass “Go!”
Well, there’s no possible way girls can science unless they look cute and pink doing it.
When I’m constructing my maxi pad and tampon art pieces, I’ve found other glues just melt in the face of all this femininity.
Seriously, BIC, what the hell. You have to be a woman to get these to light for you, apparently. They also look like they’re being marketed to children which is even more horrifying.
Honestly, on the run up to Christmas every year, wrapping presents was a nightmare before I found this tape. It’s just perfect for my frail feminine hands to manage!
Main Image via Amazon