We’re pretty used to seeing pointless woman-products: inventions either designed “for” us or needlessly including us as a design feature – in fact we recently did a round-up of some of the most ridiculous ones ever to exist. But for some reason, this week’s been particularly bad for terrible examples, and we’d love to know why. Has everyone drunk too many Pumpkin Spice Lattes? Is it the lack of new Game of Thrones to watch? Whatever the reason, there’s no excuse for these three creations that no one asked for and – we hope – no one buys.
1. The Waterslyde – so you can have sex with your bath
Yes, that says *with* your bath, not *in* it. That would make way more sense.
This bizarre and entirely unnecessary sex toy looks like a transparent pink version of Mr Hankey from South Park, and ties onto your bath tap with a ribbon. A ribbon?! That’s never going to hold, but we digress…
Essentially, then, you tie this thing onto your tap, turn the water on and get jiggy. Except that a) this is entirely unnecessary when showerheads exist (or, you know, actual sex toys) and b) we don’t know about you, but the water temperature in our bathrooms is nowhere near consistent enough to risk our favourite bits.
If you feel differently, this pink plastic chute is yours for $24.95. Sadly, it seems they don’t ship to the UK. Whatever will we do?
2. Looncup, the internet-connected menstrual cup
When people take the piss out of the Internet of Things, this is exactly the kind of thing they’re talking about. Don’t get us wrong, we’ve nothing against menstrual cups – lots of women find them useful and planet-friendly – but why on earth would you want to link that to the internet?
Are you hoping for stats like “so far this year, you’ve bled enough to recreate the Huey Lewis scene in American Psycho”? Or perhaps you’d like to gamify your menses: “Kate shed 10ml more than you this month! Up your game, girlfriend.”
We’re kidding, of course, but that’s actually not far off what the Looncup is offering:
OK, we still have questions. Does this mean we’re going to get a notification in the middle of a meeting saying “Your cup runneth over”? Is the colour represented on a Pantone chart of vermilion hues? “Last month you were Pepperoni but this month you’re a bit more Lobster”? What happens if the app gets hacked and someone puts our periods on PasteBin?!?
But most importantly, does anyone in the world want this?
Well, yes, apparently. At the time of writing, it’s been given the best part of $30k’s funding on Kickstarter. There are no words.
3. Easy, the juice for people with no self-awareness
This line of juices from Greece isn’t necessarily aimed *at* women (it’s for HoReCa, according to The Dieline, which rather than being some kind of ancient Roman insult is apparently an abbreviation for Hotels, Restaurants and Cafés) but it certainly does have women on the brain.
Apparently unaware of the connotations of images of pin-up girls in conjunction with the word “easy,” this range is about as far as you can get from Tropicana. It’s fucking fruit juice. Why am I looking at someone’s exposed stockings?!?
If you own a restaurant in Greece and would particularly like to buy some of this stuff, tough, because we have no idea where you can get it from. The 1950s, at a guess.
Main image: Waterslyde via Facebook