I am so On Twitter that I sometimes think about checking Twitter while I am already checking Twitter. Seriously. I’ll close it and then instantly open it again like, “oops, better check Twitter!”
My partner, on the other hand, is not on it at all – to the point where if I want to share a funny tweet, I have to screengrab it and send it as an actual text message.
However, I’ve found that having a partner who doesn’t tweet is surprisingly amazing. You should try it too, because…
10) You can repeat Twitter jokes to them and they will think you are hilarious
My boyfriend loves @skullmandible, @trouteyes and, oh, about three hundred other funny bastards on Twitter, but he thinks they’re me! He thinks I’m making those great fun jokes happen out of my mind! It’s a lie, sure, but a funny lie so in many ways it’s a victimless crime.
9) You get to relive all the best memes three days later
Oh! It’s an email from your boo! Are they about to reminisce fondly about the sweet sex you had this morning, or ask you what you want for dinner? No. They are sending you a link to the Guardian which has an embed of the video where a man does a magic trick and shows the orangutan the magic trick and the orangutan just about loses its shit. Yes, you have already seen this content on Twitter dot com, where it was elegantly embedded as a gif or video. But also yes, the slow-catching-on-to-trends and eager sharing impulse is adorable and the only way in which your sex friend should resemble your Aunt Judy.
8) They don’t see you flirting with your Twitter crush
We all do it.
7) They don’t even have Twitter crushes
WHY WOULD THEY NEED A TWITTER CRUSH WHEN THEY HAVE YOU?!
6) It means you never use a public forum for private relationship stuff
I’m not even talking about the juicy stuff (any couple wanting to air their dirty laundry on Twitter, please know that I will be watching like every single “grabs popcorn” reaction gif). I’m talking about “what time will you be home?” and “oh I super love you” and “hey did you get the note I left about getting your mum’s present from M&S because free delivery ends tonight.” Do these people not have WhatsApp? I swear to god.
5) You can get them really cool presents
Sometimes a really cool Kickstarter thing goes viral and everyone’s like “I want it. I want the cool thing.” Your partner doesn’t even know about the cool thing, but then they unwrap it and they are like “this is the cool thing I always wanted and yet never knew existed!” And it’s all because they aren’t on Twitter. If they were, they would have seen it and pledged it and got it and what would you have bought them? A flavoured olive oil set? Exactly.
4) They love/like YOU
You know what I’m saying here. Let’s be real. There’s a you that makes totally ? butt jokes and sometimes @s boybands to ask them if they have ever put a leg in each other’s trousers and formed “a trouser circle”. That’s the cool you, believe it or not.
But the YOU that your non-social-savvy partner likes or maybe even LOVES? That is the real, dancing to the Project Runway incidental music, crying over a sad pigeon that’s pooed its foot off, saying “crumpet” in your daft accent you. Both yous are great, but if they love the you that you are without the filter of Twitter, you are doing pretty well.
3) They are unlikely to find out about, and read, articles you write about how they are not on Twitter
Because they are not on Twitter.
2) You actually get to enjoy your favourite shows
In our house, Bake Off is a no-phone show. You miss stuff when you’re live-tweeting because you’re not really paying full attention. This no-phone rule allowed me to enjoy The Great Bread Lion Of 2015 in all its glory. There’s no downside to that – except the lost RTs on that amazing joke you totally could have made on the show’s hashtag.