As a site overtly designed for women, we get a lot of weird press releases and product alerts designed for the female of the species. Remember the thing that let you have sex with your bath?
We’ve hit another low this week with the arrival of Tampon Tubes, a set of 5 plastic tubes designed to look like tampons. Costing £12.95 for the set, the descriptive copy says, “Ladies, this one’s for you. Smuggle in your booze by pouring it into these handy fake tampon booze tubes and rest assured that no security will be interested in looking at the contents!”
These are a bad idea for two reasons.
Firstly, bouncers at gigs and festivals already have far too much interest in what’s lurking in the pockets of our bags, and seem to really relish pulling out spare underwear and sanitary products in front of a queue of braying drunken strangers. Do we need to give them a reason to be actively suspicious of tampons, which most women carry around for completely fair and benign reasons? No, no we don’t. The existence of these charlatampons means that inevitably, certain power-mad doormen will now gleefully actually unwrap our tampons, using them as an excuse to humiliate us in public. Excellent.
Secondly, these are an absolute gift for any underage girl looking to sneak booze into a school or house party. We understand, obviously, that many gig venues don’t let you bring your own alcohol because they want to charge you twice the market rate as a captive audience, but if you’re having to go to this much effort to smuggle, maybe you need to have a think about how much you’re relying on alcohol to have a good time.
Tampon Tubes are made by SmuggleYourBooze, who as the name suggests are an entire company dedicated to finding ways to sneak alcohol into places it’s not supposed to go. If that’s the sole point of your business, have a word with yourself, and perhaps a doctor as well. Said website sells everything from booze hairbrushes to umbrellas, fake sunscreen tubes to hand sanitiser. There’s even a version of Tampon Tubes specifically for smuggling joints.
The way these people view ordinary tampons is pretty misguided, too:
“No one messes with your tampons”
“THE UNTOUCHABLE! Guys won’t even look at a tampon much less handle it at security.”
“Rest assured that no security will be interested in looking at the contents!”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that these lines weren’t written by a woman. Because while the “EW ICKY GIRL STUFF” message is clear, the conclusion is utterly wrong. Sorry to break it to you, SmuggleYourBooze, but male security staff are well known for their love of pulling out your entire monthly supply and parading it in front of the waiting queue. A quick query round Team Gadgette proves I’m not the only one to have experienced this. They seem to think it’s some kind of humiliation: “ha, you’ve got TAMPONS! Shame!”
I know, right? Shame on me for not wishing to bleed on your shoes. For having a functioning reproductive system. For being female. How embarrassing.
Women’s healthcare, particularly where it comes to vaginas, is sadly still shrouded in mystery and stigma for many people (hence the weird announcement of period leave recently, or the suggestion that we need period-themed emojis). This product adds a layer of suspicion to women carrying an essential healthcare product, and we think that’s disgraceful. If it’s so vital to you that you have a secret stash of alcohol in your handbag, maybe carry it in a way that won’t lead to humiliation for your sisters. Don’t give these people £13 for the service of turning a women’s healthcare product into contraband.
Main image: SmuggleYourBooze