Check the date, folks. This was an April Fools post. Sadly.
In a move guaranteed to divide opinion, the UK Government today unveiled plans to create a multitude of separate, independently-governed internets so the most annoying people on the web can stay in their boxes.
A Downing Street statement announcing the move explained, “Beginning June 2017, there will be a multitude of ‘Splinternets’ – fully formed internets used only by people who get on other people’s wicks. These separate webs will each have their own sandboxed versions of Google, Facebook, Twitter and so on. Well, except the one for people who insist they prefer Bing. And the one for people who quit Facebook and won’t shut up about it. Obviously.”
The statement continues, “While we appreciate it’s not ideal to close off opposing viewpoints from one another, we realised that everyone’s already done that by only friending and following people who agree with them, and therefore there won’t be much noticeable difference. Also, that guy who will not stop posting gym selfies probably won’t notice he’s been shifted, as only other people who post gym selfies ever commented anyway.”
Full plans for the alternate internets have not yet been announced but are rumoured to include:
- One for overbearing atheists (Sinternet)
- People who can’t use cameras (Squinternet)
- People who think it’s funny to fake regional accents (Tinternet)
- Smug parents (Twinternet)
- Selfie-spammers (Grinternet)
- Fitness fanatics (Spinternet)
- Football fans (Get In-ternet)
- Kanye West (Imma-let-you-finternet)
- Smart washing machines (Linternet)
- Smart anything else (Printernet)
- Angry gamers (Quinnternet)
- Mansplainers (Binternet).
Beta testers of the new system were less than positive, though, describing the remaining internet as “full of insufferables who think they’re better than everyone else.”
Main image: iStock/adomer